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  • B. Nintzel

A Year's End (2017)

"What I know for sure" by B. Nintzel

Here we are, again.

Another year, another 365 days of rotation on a flying space rock, and I still am unsure of what it is all about (Alfie).

Life continues to be one crisis after another, with very little reprieve in between; And while the constant state of cortisol dumping into my system has become my norm, I can’t help but wonder--

How do I exit (stage left)?

As this year (2017) concludes, I wonder how to do as my tattoo says and “Let go” of what/who doesn’t serve me. I’ve gotten good at setting boundaries and have set some people free, but the bigger life lessons of a quarter life (I know, I know, I’m in my 30s) crisis are underway and while I am out of work, and deep in depression, I ask myself, “What is joy? What is it that makes me feel happiness? What is my purpose?” These are giant questions that have plagued me for awhile, but it appears I can no longer outrun them. For a few weeks, I started to spiral deep into the black hole of depression in my brain, my heart, and my soul, but now I am starting to see this moment in time as a big ol’ lesson. This is my time to focus on the aforementioned questions. Not many people are allowed the time and space to do that, and while financially, I cannot afford to be out of work for much longer, I am becoming grateful of this time. It is a time for me to explore these questions and, hopefully, find meaning in the answers I discover.

I see all of my friends and social media acquaintances reflect on their own life happenings of the year, and I see their “#bestnine”, and I seem to be having an out of body moment. How interesting it is to be able to connect with so many wonderful humans. How special it is to watch others grow, learn, love, and feel their multitude of feels.

Social media can be a curse of viewing other people’s curated highlight reels, but in this moment, I choose to see it as a blessing.

I am hashtag blessed to be a part of each of your lives (dear reader, whomever you are) and I hope you feel grateful to be a part of mine.

Life is messy. I hope we can all agree that absolutely no one knows what the fuck they’re doing and that we can give each other a bit more wiggle room as we continue to figure out not just life, but ourselves. We are all on this journey together, but oh so separetely, and I feel it important to remind not just myself, but all humans, to lead with love and treat each other with grace and respect.

And ourselves. We, as a society, deem words like “selfish” bad because they appear to demean the collective conscious. Except, being selfish is good (albeit, everything in moderation) but to take care of one’s self is, above all, so very important. If our own tanks are empty, we cannot fill another person’s proverbial needs (read: tank).

In this new year, I vow to continue to strive to be better. I understand the vagueness in that statement, as I am someone who writes down goals for the year and then breaks them down into monthly goals, but the main thing here--

Be better.

Be better to myself, be better to my friends and family, be better to the random human who doesn’t get out of the way on my way down a mountain because they just don’t understand basic hiking etiquette.

We’ve seen our country more divided than my generation’s waking years, and as we continue to arm ourselves with researched information, let us also set forth down a road of kindness shown towards each other.

I’ll start laying the bricks on my road, I hope you will follow along the path with me.

Cheers to you all, and a very Happy New Year.



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