"Good Luck, Beth"
I’m not quite sure when I stopped believing I’d find someone who’d love me for me.
It was after the man I thought I’d spend my life with basically “left me” for another woman (though, I’m sure he’d deny that).
I had been firm in the belief that no man would ever fall in love with me since college, but He changed that. And when He left…. It was just another reminder that Love maybe wouldn’t ever find me again.
I’ve put myself out there. I’ve “patiently” waited. I’ve even “given up” on dating. But those little crushes develop… and I would be, continue to be, let down. I have worked on myself, really hard, actually, to no longer find certain qualities attractive. I’ve questioned my own motives and delved deeply into my unconscious brain to figure myself out. (Shout out to my therapist!)
Truly. I know I’m ready for a partner in life. I know how to communicate. I know how to love. I know what my strengths are, and more importantly, what my weaknesses are. But I seem to be settled on one other fact—
I’m your Good Luck, Chuck.
I’m the woman you date JUST before you find the woman of your dreams. I am absolutely horrified by the idea of this being my “fate”, if one believes in that type of ideal. I’m honestly not sure if I do, because I know I have choices and reactions, but my choices, however well intentioned, always lead me to a man who isn’t “ready”, but then learns so much about himself with me, and then all of a sudden is “ready” when he falls into the arms of, literally, the next woman he dates.
I’m unsure how to rectify this in my brain… and my heart.
I want Love. I open myself up to it, but if I’m completely honest, how does one truly “open” herself to the possibilities of Love when she has been so deeply hurt over and over again, and then once more (just for good measure, I suppose) by the partner of her dreams?
How do I leave the realm of “Good Luck, Chuck” and allow for abundant love to find me (and for me to not be terrified)?
“Good Luck, Beth”